The title is from a Tom Cruze movie. It fit the movie and it fits my heart right now. Do you ever have a time in your life when your heart is just sad? It is tired, it is sad and you are waiting for the rainbow at the end of the storm? I guess I am there. It is easy to hide behind words and smiles and fake actions. It is so easy to do this. There is a song by Natalie Grant and it talks about living in a glass house and when will it break. It talks about God knowing the "real me." That may even be the title. I am so in the movie and the song.
Two years ago we adopted our little girl. Little did I know she would make my blood pressure rise and my hair fall out. Literally! It is hard to explain her without sounding like a horrible person. She is 6 in a 6 year old body with a mind of a 2 year old, 18 year old and 25 year old. She has reasoning skills of a 2 year old, control issues of an 18 year old and motherly wants of a 25 year old. I believe if she could have a baby right now she would! She is very controlling and to an outsiders eyes they may think it cute. To live with it day after day is hard. Cognitively she just doesn't get it. She will ask if she can wake up in the morning. She will ask if when she turns 4 again if she can have a certain doll. She will ask if when she goes to school if she will be in the same class as her brother that is 2 years older than her. She will ask question after question after question after question even when she knows the answer. She will say the days of the week today and not have a clue the order tomorrow. She will read me a book today and not have a clue how to pronounce the same words the next day. She will ignore a polite request from her brothers and expect them to follow every command made by her. She will want every toy of her brothers to play with and ruin many of them and not want them to touch one of hers and scream when they do. She will be lovey dovey in public and never in private. She is manipulate, sneaky, lies constantly, tries to control everything our family does, will not stop talking even when she is not making any sense or is just doing it so everyone is controlled by what she is doing.
Do I sound horrible enough to you now. I am supposed to be grateful I could adopt my little girl. I am supposed to be a wonderful person for doing so. I am "a saint", I am a "blessing." I don't feel like these things and I often wonder why I pushed so hard for this. I was supposed to get my little girl that I could snuggle, love on, shop with, paint nails with. I was supposed to get my little girl I loved spending time with and adored.
My heart is heavy and every day I wonder what God has in store. I hurt, I cry, I yell, I get angry, I pray, I read my bible, I pray more. I wake up praying. My heart is heavy. I wish I had not adopted. I long for the relationship I had with my mom for me and my little girl. It is not there.
"When will this glass house break?" I think it may be crumbling... A friend just wrote in her blog and I know it is to me. She said she is going to parent the kids God has given her in a way that blesses Him who gave. (My paraphrase). I want to do that, I strive to do that, but this one just may test me beyond what I am capable of parenting.
I lay at your feet Jesus, my heart, my hurt, my faith. It is here, at your feet asking for you to guide me as I do not have the answers, the understanding or the wisdom on my own. Only in placing it here can I look up to you for your wisdom, help and understanding on how to love this little girl when I feel none. You know the real me Father. You know I need you. I know I need you. I have prayed endlessly for her healing and our healing as a mom and daughter. I guess I am now just praying for the tiny seed that starts to grow toward love for her. Acceptance of or wisdom in how to raise her. Change my heart from wondering why we adopted to being glad we did. Help me enjoy who she is rather than wish for what I wanted in a daughter. Guide me because I am walking blind. Fill me because I am empty. Annie
